Happy Birthday...I'm 43.

Much like Col. XkachoojiX, I too have been indulging in some cinematic "brilliance" of late. My Netflix account is currntly up to full speed again so on Saturday, I got The Mad Butcher via Something Weird. So yeah, when I get something from the Something Weird catalog of films, I have a certain standard of expectation. While their sexploitation movies leave a massive amount to be desired, the horror/slasher films are among the best in terms if payoff in the gore department. With the high watermark being The Wizard Of Gore, I am expecting The Mad Butcher to deliver. The concept is genius — a German butcher is finally released from the mental hospital to return to normal life after 3 years in the rubber room. As her returns to his shop, he is in a bit of conflict between staring at the silhouette of the naked woman across the way and his irritating, nagging wife. After a scuffle, he chokes his wife to death and decides that he can turn his wife into sausage to hide the evidence. He does so and the sausage is so beloved by his customers, he keeps killing people and turning them into sausage. Sounds amazing? Yes.....but no. One question — WHERE IS THE GORE?!?!?!?!? There is none. Zero. Zilch. Nadda. Nothing. Even the moments of violence are no more brutal than anything you've seen on a rerun of Andy Griffith. Everything is implied. The thing that really ruins this movie is that it is just an uncomfortable mix from the outset. The lead, played by Victor Buono, is cast well enough but the problem lies in that this movie is schlock, it knows it is schlock but Victor Buono was an actual actor, not a Z-Grade hack. So, aside from the obvious lack of gore and hilarity, you have an actual actor surrounded by talentless dopes in an obvious Z-grade film. Total disappointment, especially considering that, given the context, The Mad Butcher had a TON of potential to rock the proverbial house.

So then, on Monday night, we watched Crank on Blu-ray. First off, despite my slandering it in the beginning, Blu-Ray really is impressive beyond mere words. If you have an HDTV, it's worth buying a PS3 for because the picture quality is ridiculous. As for Crank itself, I'm a pretty big fan of Jason Statham so I'm REALLY forgiving when it comes to his movies. I think that trailer was a dead giveaway that this movie would be big budget schlock but despite this fact, the movie was pretty darn entertaining. Jason Statham is actually a great actor so he has the ability to take a movie of this type and make it better. That is not to say that Crank sucked aside from Statham because it was actually a good movie for what it was. All I'm saying is that Jason Statham made it better. He has the ability to act and have his personality shine through while still being believable in an action role. Sorry Steven Seagal and Arnold fans. Jason Statham is the action king now, even though I still believe his best roles are ahead of him.

So last night, we walked in in time to see Snakes On A Plane. I hadn't seen it in about 8 months now and initially, I was kind of like "Man, I'm not in the mood for this movie right now." but those feelings quickly dissipated because again, the movie holds enough entertaining moments to be a fun movie. Besides, Samuel L. Jackson can carry pretty much any movie from the depths of idiocy. Take the snakes out and replace Jackson with any other actor and this movie is the worst thing ever. Add him back in and have an extreme antagonist such as hundreds of poisonous snakes.....comedy gold. If I ever make a movie, I thinking Sharks In A Submarine. Me thinks that Snakes On A Plane could be this generation's Escape From New York. Just watch.

Yes...I've been indulging in cinema schlock again. Sue me, I'm a guy. As much as I like artsy indie movies and movies that make me think, I am still equally excited by tons of gore and destruction.

On a side note (sort of), watching Snakes On A Plane made me ponder this question: Who has the best movie "fuck"? What I mean is in all of cinema history, who has the most effective on-screen use of the word "fuck"? To get us started, here are my top 5 movie "fucks".

1. Samuel L. Jackson (duh)
2. Joe Pesci
3. Dave Chappelle
4. Robert Deniro
5. Vinnie Jones
Honorable Mention: Alan Ford (otherwise known as Brick Top)